sitting for too long is killing me.

sooo, it's memorial day, my last day of vacation, sadly. the trip to texas was great. chris, shauna, little sister savanna (8), chris's son cooper(3), and i left home at around 6, traveled for an hour and a half or so to wichita falls, and made it to the hotel at about 730. at first we thought we wouldn't be able to stay at the hotel, b/c of school graduations and whatnot, but we were booked. we basically spent the remainder of the day getting comfortable. we woke up at 6 the next morning, ate breakfast, and went to try and take care of the marriage. i was really reluctant to get my hopes up about it taking place b/c of the 3 day waiting period that we wouldn't be able to wait for, but i told myself i'd try my hardest. after spending an hour or so trying to find the right courthouse we got the license at 9, but the judges who "may" perform waivers were all very busy, the halls were filled. so we went straight back to the mall, spent 4 hours and Lord knows how much money there, then dropped of shauna and the kids at the hotel and went back to the courthouse to try again. we lucked out, the first judge we went to was available. i was really nervous, trying not to set up my pins, but i was praying. the assistant brought the license into the judge and he signed it, no questions asked. it seemed way too good to be true, but it was. chris and i went to the justice of peace downstairs and she married us, my dream come true. it still amazes me how well everything worked out, how everything went just as planned, even better. nothing in my life has ever gone so well. God has truly, truly been w/ me and chris throughout our relationship, and i know He will be w/ us throughout our marriage. i am living a high right now.

as for tomorrow, back to work, back to my nightmare. i really need to look for an easier job.

goodnight!




i was released from prison a little bit early tonight, about 2 hours. how nice! i almost slipped in the bathroom earlier (curse the puddle of water under the sink!!!), and now the muscle in my right leg is very sore---i put a lot of weight on it when i caught myself. and that's how my day went. (:

earlier i got an email from my older sister, sandy, asking about how i was, and the baby and such, plus to put me on the spot about our father. it's a really complicated thing, he wasn't around for me or shauna growing up (w/ the exception of weekend or 2 every year). of all 7 daughters, we're the 2 he's been least involved w/. the thing is, i'm not bitter about it in the least. you hear the stories of people who didn't have their fathers in their lives and they seem so traumatized by it, but i don't feel like i missed out on anything. i don't think there's anything he could've offered me growing up that would've made me a better person today. i told him that some years ago, and not to completely write him off, but to let him know that i don't NEED him in my life. now things are awkward, they have been ever since. sandy basically wanted to know if i want anything to do w/ him, if i want him to be a grandfather to my son (the first boy to enter my father's side of the family in quite a while). i'm not sure how to answer. i won't say that he can't be in my son's life, b/c that would be cruel. but to say that i want him in MY life, as if everything would magically fix itself, and suddenly my life is complete---it's not that easy. my father had a heart attack a month or so ago, and i realize he won't live forever. but building a relationship from where we are now will be hard. i'm not sure if i want to yet.

it's almost 1 am, and i'm coming close to falling asleep at my desk. so i'll close.

goodnight!





christopher gavin





my little skeleton baby.





he's not shy!




i'm not sure why, but i always seem to get a lot done on sundays. being alone is depressing. i don't like it, probably b/c from birth i've had someone w/ me 98% of the time. not now though. this is when i'm on the computer the most, b/c it occupies a lot of time. it comes in very useful.

on friday chris and i went to the doctor for the much anticipated ultrasound...and i'm having a boy. i wanted a girl, but am very happy regardless. i saw the heart beating, saw him moving around, saw his little hands. his name is christopher gavin. chris cried when he heard the news, he was so happy-but i don't like getting too emotional in front of strangers. i know this-we will raise him to be a little gentleman, like his father.

i am so ready to get out of the state! i want to get away, stay the night in some motel. i like that feeling. i like roadtrips. but sadly, they don't come to often. when i was a junior in high school i went to nashville for part of a club thing, and it was great. i loved it...not so much dealing w/ the people, but the feeling of excitement, especially arriving to the big city at night when all the lights stretched to forever. we went to the opryland hotel (didn't stay there, though i would've liked to), a very, very pretty place. all sorts of things there-i'd encourage anyone making a trip to nashville to visit. i don't quite remember how long we were there, but i didn't want to leave. coming back to my tiny hometown i remember it was about12 in the morning, pouring, and the streets were completely empty. looked like a ghost town. kinda fit my mood.

i'm going to try and visit mr. p, my old drafting instructor this week, before the schools let out. he's been one of my absolute favorite teachers ever, a big influence in my life. he always wanted me to become a drafter, work for the bia in a nearby town w/ a bunch of other indians b/c i did so well in class, but my heart wasn't in it. he didn't approve of chris, he wanted me to be w/ someone rich, someone w/ some great career. he always joked i'd end up w/ a million kids, and i'd argue, not that soon. that's why i'm reluctant to make the visit. he'll be supportive. i know he will.

as for now, that's what i've got to say.
until next time!




my sunday is finally winding down...today i gave my mom her mother's day gift, some Lucky perfume-it actually smells really good. i love it. my sister, shauna (a year younger than me) was baptized, and that makes me very happy. i hope it can make a change in her life.

at this moment i'm trying to prepare my mind for the rest of the week, mainly work. this week has been good-on friday chris and i went to visit the doctor, hoping for an ultrasound, but were told we have to wait another week. we heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time though, and it was amazing. it's the first time i've been able to really acknowledge his or her presence aside from the effects i have from pregnancy. the doctor said from the heartbeat that it sounded like a girl, and although that makes me really happy, i won't get my hopes up. boy or girl, i'm happy. okay, that's my pregnancy info. i'm going to take a couple days off work at the end of the month and chris and i are going to the great state of texas to be married. i'm really excited about it...days off work!!! no, seriously. i want to be chris's wife more than anything. excuse my sentimentality. on saturday he took me out to eat and then to a movie as an early celebration for my motherhood, and i didn't get sick once. it was nice.

at this moment i couldn't be more happy w/ my life, even when work absolutely sucks.

out!





me and chris




ah, morning. well, not really. my days progress as such (or so it feels): i wake up, eat, take a nap, then go to work, come home, go to sleep, wake up...etc.. endless! oh well. i'll be busy enough in about 6 months. i should probably enjoy what time i have to myself. i was listening to APC about 2 minutes ago...i really love that band. tool's music is more heavy, too heavy for my liking, while APC's is more melodic, or something. very soothing, i think. my love for them arrived w/ a story. when i started work at the factory where i'm currently employed in august 2003, i'd heard their music, but didn't pay much mind. i met someone there, this guy i'll call leon, who i fell hard for. i can't say i really loved him, but i was infatuated. he influenced my taste in music, in a way, but not until he was gone. i left him for chris, and regreted it in the beginning, but have come to realize that it's the best decision i could have made. i wouldn't leave chris for anyone in the world, not even brandon boyd. (that's saying a lot-i was crazy about that man a few years ago...just look at him!) sadly, anytime i listen to APC i remember leon, wonder what he's up to-halfway across the nation now. i'd like to forget him, but i know that's not possible. sleepiness is settling in again, must get my rest before another 8 hours of torture.
chao!




i've not had an online journal for some time now. like, two years, i think. it was hard to keep up w/, b/c at the time i didn't have a computer; no such problem exists now!

i like to relate my thoughts somewhere i can look back on them-i've kept notebook journals since i was 13, helps me to let out my thoughts, b/c i'm always thinking.

my life is nothing i can label exciting, never has been. i've lived in the same place for almost my entire life, and i've been sheltered from anything that might influence me to do or become anyone "bad". just, anything you could think of.

right now i work 2nd shift at a factory that makes shock absorbers and MY GOSH it's dirty work! oily, oily. i don't like it, although i've been there for 6 months. it pays, i guess. i'm engaged and very soon to be married to my fiancee of a year and a half, chris. i don't mean to sound all lovey-dovey, but i love him so much!!! we've been planning on getting married for some time now, i mean, he gave me my ring on Christmas, but at the end of february i found out i'm EXPECTING, so the marriage will take place much sooner, b/c of our Christian values and such. at the moment i'm entering my 2nd trimester, and i'm very excited about it, although i'm going to try and restrain from turning this into a pregnancy blog.
i wanted to become something in life that i would love, like an astronomer, b/c i love stars, but i've given up on college. i'm going to enroll in a medical class of some sort at a nearby vocational school for next fall and do that for a while anyway.
that's my life in a nutshell.
at the moment i don't have much else to say, although my mood is constantly changing b/c of past regrets and current happenings, so until then!